hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
