My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
