I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
