She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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