between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
