I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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