I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
3pm strippers are depressing
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Of course I have a pirate flag
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