I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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