you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
