Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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