You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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