Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
