you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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