you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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