Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
