you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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