It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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