It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
