went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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