matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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