This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
