hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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