I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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