Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
