my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
