I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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