My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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