my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
