I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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