i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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