I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
