broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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