Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
