i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
