Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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