shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize