I feel great
I just peed on a car
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
