So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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