Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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