chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
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