Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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