so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
