I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
