Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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