he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
