Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Text me some of your sweat
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize