I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
