Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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