I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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