im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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