I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
