i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
