I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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