I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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