I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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