If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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