meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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